Faster Unto Thee

What People Keep in Their Bibles

As I work to prepare for a funeral this week, I am doing the normal things I always do when preparing for a funeral. I meet with the family to minister to them, learn about their quirks, hear their stories, and research the life of the deceased.

A deceased person's Bible is always something to examine for clues about their life, especially if they were one to jot notes in it, underline verses of personal importance, and leave scraps of paper from all sorts of occasions in it. Bibles are particularly enlightening if the deceased used a certain copy for many long years, as it becomes filled with things that speak of their spiritual journey.

There is, of course, much serious material written in and stored in the Bible of a serious church person. But there is also some humorous material that is kept there also, often from church newsletters and handouts and the newspaper and friends.  Here are two funny items I recently discovered.

Mary Had A Little Lamb

    Mary had a little lamb
    Whose fleece was white as snow
    And everywhere that Mary went
    The lamb was sure to go

    Mary had a little lamb
    Her father killed it dead
    Mary took her lamb to school
    Between two slices of bread

How to Get Rid of Your Preacher

1. Look him straight in the eye and say "Amen" once in awhile. He'll preach himself to death within a few weeks.

2. Pat him on the back and brag on his good points. He'll work himself to death.

3. Start paying him a living wage. He's probably been on starvation wages for so long he'll eat himself to death.

4. Rededicate your own life to Christ and ask the preacher to give you a job to do. He'll probably die of heart failure.

5. Get the congregation to unite in prayer for the pastor. He'll become so effective some larger church will soon take him off your hands.

Eskimo Love Song and The Sophomores

What do the following videos have to do with the normal content of this blog? Nothing. But they are here for two reasons: (1) they are really funny and creative and (2) I've been on vacation and have not posted in a while, so here is something to tide my few loyal readers over until my brain re-engages.

The videos are by Blick Van Glory, fronted by Todd Edwards, a man I went to college with. No, I am sure Todd does not remember me, but it was impossible at A.U. to not know who Todd and his older brother Cory were, since they were producing much comedic and cinematic material then for school events.
Even then you could tell these two would break into entertainment industry in a grand way. They are the creative forces behind the animated movie, Hoodwinked.

Obama and Abortion

I'm too busy this week to write any good posts myself, so here is a link to some good material on Senator Obama and his stance on abortion.  Scroll down the posts to August 12 and go up from there and you will learn more about his anti-life stance.

And when you are done, find some comedy relief at Ben Witherington's blog where he shares hilarious material from comedian John Cleese.  Scroll down to the August 12 post and you will have a great laugh.

The Ten Commandments

 Every preacher eventually gets around to preaching a sermon series on the Ten Commandments.  This Sunday I am finishing my first full-blow series through the decalogue. 

One thing I struggled with in this series was creative sermon titles.  Lost for words, often I resorted to dull titles such as, "The 9th Commandment."  But here are two lists, one with titles from a sermon series on the Ten, the other a humorous re-writing of them, that caught my eye.  If you know of others, please give them to me on the contents link to this post.

From Pastor Jim Harrell of Rumbletown, IN:

1.  "Help!  I Need Someone -- Not Just Anyone"

2.  "I Can't Get No Satisfaction"

3.  "The Name Game"

4.  "It's Still Super Sunday"

5.  "Teach Your Children"

6.  "Killing Me Softly"

7.  "Your Cheatin' Heart"

8.  "Stealing All the Wrong Things"

9.  "Liar! Liar!  More Than YOur Pants on Fire!"

10.  "Satisfied Mind"

Emailed to me by Don Jaenicke:

The Ten Commandments: Minnesota Style

1.  Der's only one God, ya know.

2.  Dont make that fish on your mantle an idol.

3.  Cussin ain't Minnesota nice.

4.  Go to church even when you're up nort.

5.  Honor your folks.

6.  Don't kill.  Catch and release.

7.  There is only one Lena for every Ole.  No cheatin'.

8.  If it ain't your lutefisk, don't take it.

9.  Don't be braggin' about much snow ya shoveled.

10.  Keep your mind off your neighbor's hotdish.

ATM or Dishwasher?

My two-year-old daughter is growing up very comfortable with computerized things.  She will never know what it is like to not have the Internet, e-mail, DVDs, etc.  The problem is, however, that she cannot always distinguish computerized things from the rest. 

Over the last few days my daughter has been feeding our dishwasher plastic cards like it is an ATM.  She has probably seen my wife and I use our bank card at the ATM, grocery store, etc.  She has a few fake cards that came in the mail that she plays with, but the other day she got a hold of my wife's cards.  From my wife's purse my little one pulled out her health insurance card, debit card, credit card and some other cards (a total of six) and inserted them into the vent on our dishwasher. You really can't blame her for thinking the vent is a card slot because it looks just like one on an ATM.  In the picture to the right she is trying again, but this time dad has covered the slot with duct tape.  After taking the diswasher door apart on Easter afternoon to resuce the cards, I did not want to have to do it again.

Airline Humor

This following is copied from Eric Spangler's blog which has a link to this blog. This is hilarious.


05 April 2006
A Little Airline Humor, Please ...

A friend passed this on to me, and I 'googled' it only to find it all over the 'net. No claim that it is true, but it provides a moment of fun --especially for those of us who fly:
It takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one: a reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in their jobs.
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what they're for.
P: IFF inoperative.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last:

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget